Because the cult has many torture techniques and wants to use people like me in many areas of society, they also deliberately split me up and programmed parts to perform a specific task. For example, there were parts that would commit suicide when we started telling specific memories. I was ingenious.
While driving, I could talk on the phone, read my mail and take care of my children in the back seat at the same time. At work I was called a jack-of-all-trades and always knew every detail necessary without writing anything down until I started to process. Other personality parts sometimes came up when they were never there before, for example during work and then I lost track, but making mistakes was never an option. Making mistakes was an immense punishment in the cult, so we did everything we could to prevent that. We wrote whole books of manuals, notes and information for ourselves, so that we always had all the information at hand, and we functioned quite well for years on that. During the past few years, I have had severe trauma therapy, where together with my psychologist and my environment I have dealt with every memory that was in the way. The deep feelings of guilt and shame, the loneliness and the pain came up in millions of ways and all had to be felt. Each programmed part had to be dismantled and find his or her new place. It was very hard work.
Now years later, parts have started to integrate. Step by step I become a whole person and a new process of recovery and healing begins. Triggers become more and more palpable and cause memories to surface that need to be processed. Slowly but surely I start to feel, to cry, to be happy and to smell the wonderful scent of the flowers. I see, feel and smell details that never had room and I start to live, really live!
Without Jeshua, this process would have been impossible. He has led it and is still doing so. He goes His way with me to become whole again, what I did not even want 2 years ago. He has my life in His hand and I can testify that there is healing and deliverance, also for people who know the depths of darkness and were trapped in it. Because I was. I was caught, bound, tortured and have been set free, but it took hard work and immeasurable persistent love from those around me.
I pray that many people will stand up, therapists and networkers, who like the people around me are willing and able to say: I am here, I am not leaving and I choose to keep supporting you in your process, no matter what, how often you relapse and how long it takes! These people are much needed, without them I would not have been here and I would not have been able to tell my story here!