On some nights, I went to satanic gatherings where I worshipped Satan, made sacrifices and was myself raped and tortured.
I led two lives. With one leg in ordinary life and with the other in the cult. Made possible by my DIS and by the training torture (through 'superconditioning' via electroshock, among other things), which the person parts underwent in the cult after splitting, forced to keep living this double life and keep obeying.
I did often have anxiety as soon as evening came. Especially with days like Halloween and Christmas and Easter. I felt a spiritual pressure and tension, but as a name-bearer part, I paid little attention to it because I couldn't do anything with it anyway. At the time, I had no idea of what had happened during the time I completely missed (hours, sometimes days).
Meanwhile, through trauma processing, I know more and more about other personality parts and it is less and less 'them' and more and more 'me'.
Over the course of my adult life, it began to gnaw more and more at person parts going to cult. Whenever one of those person parts prepared for cult night, that person part would feel insecure, wobbly and anxious. The person part sometimes actually didn't want to go, but she didn't have that option. The person parts knew that if we didn't go, the cult would come for us and life was no longer a day certain. We had to, we couldn't do otherwise. In therapy, we tried to process incurred traumas that surfaced and tried to find courage to go on living. Not to give up. Slowly, we gained hope. However, we could not yet fully release our fears, memories of torture and desire for pain, and for all the overload of feelings, we actually 'needed' the cult. It is a huge process to start feeling trust in therapy and with people around you, but also facing all the traumas, telling them, feeling them and thus processing them is a leaden task. There is so much to process, so not everything can be taken out and processed immediately (this takes a long process) and processing also brings out extreme feelings of fear, powerlessness, shame, guilt, disgust and more, in all their intensity.
Without new traumas, extreme physical pain, drugs and horror, we started feeling too much and couldn't cope with life. We needed these unhealthy things from them. We were addicted to them. This besides the fact that we were convinced that we would die, or one of our children (some growing up with me, others trapped in the cult), or others with whom we had a connection, if we did not come.
As more and more people knew I was from the cult and that I still went sometimes, I began to feel more and more ashamed. But I also saw that even though people knew what I sometimes did and understood that sometimes I couldn't do anything else, they didn't run away. They were there, stayed there and helped me stand tall again and again. They showed me the grace of Jeshua and that His Love stood firm no matter what I chose or did.
Of course, there was some kind of primal force within myself to want to get out and quit, which others saw. But I was also slipping again and again. The cup of fear was more filled than the cup of trust and love.
The more personality parts had shared their traumas, the harder it became in my mind to go any more and the more I longed for help, for a way out. But how hard is it to ask for help when the fear and shame is so great and you are actually incredibly stuck. In a split. When you are ashamed of feelings that another person may not even be able to understand, because how could anyone possibly long for demon rape and sacrifice?
The first time I had to go but couldn't because my partner literally stopped me from going out the door, the fear was so intense. I had to and would go because they would come and get me and kill me. But I was stopped and really couldn't leave. All the torturous memories that came with disobeying passed by and I found it difficult to keep apart the reality of life today and my memories.
The next day, I was in a kind of trance. I was in crisis. I couldn't think what to do next, I had committed the worst sin I could possibly commit. And that was not going. I would suffer the punishment of apostates: being beaten to death naked in front of the 'cult congregation'.
But in the following days and weeks, nothing happened, except that the cult members chased me, sent me emails and called me, but they did not come to get me, and the people around me who tried to help me also stayed the same, did not get angry with me and did not run away.
Time after time, I experienced the cult nights as intense. My struggle in my head that I had to go but that it is not good to go was immense, but the more often I managed not to go, the greater the conviction in me that I really did not want to go and wanted help with that. I began to see more and more how hideously bad the cult is and what terrible deeds they do in the cult.
Over the past few years, since I stopped going to the 'parties' in the cult, every year the fear and urge to go got smaller. My cup of trust and love was filled more than the cup of fear. Last year, I last felt the urge to have to go. Now, this year, there is the sadness for what happens to others there with all the images and feelings attached, but inside I am so convinced that I no longer belong there. What a miracle, I could never have imagined for myself that that would be possible.
I hope this may encourage other survivors that even though it seems so hopeless and hopeless and you have the belief that the cult will always be stronger and will always win: it is not true!!! That you believe that is so logical and you have had enough evidence to believe it. In that you are right, but they too have limits. When Jeshua's light breaks through and loosens your shackles, Satan can do nothing!
For survivors/victims: I wish everyone a Halloween week where Jeshua's power and might will be present, reign and show his greatness. A night in which the darkness will not reign, but the people of God rise like a Gideon's band. Where God is, darkness must give way!
I wish everyone the peace and tranquillity of Jeshua. His divine protection in any situation, even if it is in the midst of darkness! He saved me, from the deepest darkness, He can do the same with you! He saved me from death several times, in the middle of that darkness, but I am alive!
For all those around survivors: loneliness is very much in evidence during cult nights. Besides the inhuman battle against the forces and powers of darkness and the pull towards freedom in Jeshua, there is also the fact that when you then choose not to go, most people around a survivor in such a night just go to sleep. As a survivor, you are fighting an inhuman battle that grows bigger and stronger in the hours to come and that battle cannot be won without people around you. Stay awake, pray together and for the other person. Let it be known that you know they are fighting the biggest war of their lives and ask questions.
Let us stand around these people like a Gideon's band, so that they are no longer alone and the glory of God only grows!